“All my life I’ve wanted to be somebody. But I see now I should have been more specific.”
“Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.”
“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”
“Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.”
“There aren’t any rules around here. We’re trying to accomplish something.”
“After all is said and done, more is said than done.”
“If you want to make your dreams come true, the first thing you have to do is wake up.”
“Worrying is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you anywhere.”
“Think of all sentient beings as Buddha, but keep your hand on your wallet.”
“A critic is a man who knows the way but can’t drive the car.”
— Kenneth Tynanc
“I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.”
“Don’t take life too seriously. You’ll never get out alive.”
“What you see and hear depends a good deal on where you are standing.”
“Live well. It is the greatest revenge.”
“Religion is for those afraid to go to hell. Spiritually is for those who have already been there.”
“The man of understanding finds everything laughable, the man of reason, almost nothing.”
—Goethe, 18th century German philosopher
“I think that God may actually be the impulse to laugh.”
“We should be open-minded, but not so open that our brains fall out.”
“I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.”
“Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.”
“By all means marry: If you get a good spouse, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.”
This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in.)
In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, “a man doth not live by sweat alone.”
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony
Anonymous spiritual quotes:
“Where you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.
“If there is no self, whose arthritis is this? “
“Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?”
“The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.”
Telegram: “Begin worrying. Details to follow.”